Always a Mother... Never a Mommy...

These past few months have been horrible and hectic and wonderful and soul crushing. Where to begin... how about the beginning.

May 16th was my 24th birthday. Oh what a fun day. I went out with my hubby. Had drinks with my friends. All in all a good day. The 20th was our anniversary and the 24th was his birthday and we were making plans for that when we got a phone call at 11:45pm on the night of the 17th. Hubby's father had passed away in his sleep. We rushed to his mothers side to await the coroner. I held my husband and my mother-in-law and hoped that my father-in-law would find his way safely to the Summerlands.

He was cremated soon after and the week after Father's Day we held a small memorial at the church that had been like a second home to my in-laws for the last 4 years.

Then July came. My husband and I have been trying to have a child since we got married in May of 2008 (for those unwilling to do the math that's a couple of months shy of 6 1/2 years). We were finally successful in late June early July. I was feeling nauseous all day and I could barely make myself eat. I decided what the hell and took a pregnancy test. For the first time in 6 years it was positive. I was elated as was the hubby. I took two more over the next couple of days before telling my family and his mother. Needless to say planning started immediately.

We bought a diaper bag, baby book, a picture frame to hold the pictures from the baby's first year in it. We were given some clothes that my nephew has already grown out of. All of this gender neutral of course. Along with our planning for baby was my parents planning for a family reunion in Des Moines, Iowa. They'd leave August the sixth and return the night of August the eleventh. We were going to go with them. Until my first ultrasound came along. 

The ultrasound was scheduled for a week before the trip. I was going to have a baby photo to show to my family. Until we found out that they could not find my baby's heartbeat. They tried to reassure me. Telling me the machine was old. That I was only eight weeks and that sometimes they don't find the heartbeat until twelve weeks. But they also scheduled me for another ultrasound Thursday the seventh. This meant we couldn't go with my parents. 

I tried to stay upbeat about it. I tried not to worry but I couldn't help it. I'm a worrier. It's who I am. I shared my fears with anyone who would listen and they all agreed that my fears were understandable but that everything would be ok.

I had started to believe them.... until the morning of the sixth rolled around. 2 in the morning I called my hubby and told him to leave work because I had to go to the hospital. I was bleeding. I went to the emergency room and waited and waited and while I was waiting, in excruciating pain, my tiny water broke. The pain was gone but I felt that I was now without a doubt going to lose that which I had tried my whole marriage to create.

Those fears were confirmed when the doctor gave me an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. I passed the baby soon after before going home completely crushed by the events of the last four hours. I went home to find my mother, father, and sister waiting to hear the news. I walked in and simply shaked my head. My mom almost called off the entire trip. I wouldn't take no for an answer. They had planned and paid for this trip since February and I wasn't going to let this stop them. 

I forced them out of the door and proceeded to spend the next six days shuttled between my house and my mother-in-law's house as no one wanted me to be alone for a while. At first I was angry. No, more than angry I was furious. I loathed everyone for not letting me take the time to cry and mourn and drink and slip into a depression that was much deserved. But little by little I realized that that's not what I needed to do and these people, my friends, my family, were just trying to remind me of that. 

So, there you go. A horrible couple of months with some good things thrown in the mix. The main good thing I will take from this is that after six years of not knowing we now know that I can in fact get pregnant. And that in itself to me is a miracle.

)o( Jena