He's impatient, just like his father...

Wednesday the 23rd, at around noon, I started to feel some pains in my left pelvic bone. They weren't horrible but they were very uncomfortable. I took a Tylenol to help ease what I assumed was pelvic pain. Just another normal pain in pregnancy. However, the Tylenol didn't work. Hubby left for work at 11:30 that night after I assured him I was going to try and get some sleep and hope that I felt better in the morning. I laid there trying to sleep for 3 hours, tossing and turning with each wave of pain. I finally caved and called hubby home to take me to the hospital.

They hooked me up to a heart monitor, a fetal heart monitor, and a contraction monitor. They kept an eye on me for an hour. At the end of the hour they believed as I did, that it was simply pelvic pain that was hitting me all at once instead of gradually. After I assured them I wasn't feeling any pressure in my pelvis they sent me home with two Tylenol and an extra strength benadryl to help knock me out. When I got home I went right to sleep.

I woke up around 9 on Thursday and the pain was back. I decided to rest for a bit more and hope for the best. As hubby gets paid on Thursdays those are our errand days. He woke up at noon and started to get dressed. He asked if I was going with him (as I normally do) but I told him no as I was in more pain than before. He said OK and got me a pain pill and made me a sandwich. I took two bites and screamed. The pain rolled over me and I couldn't handle it anymore. Neither could hubby as he immediately got me dressed and rushed me back to the hospital.

Upon my arrival (after being signed in) I was rushed to labor and delivery and hooked back up to the monitors. Hubby wasn't allowed in the room at first as they ask personal questions first when you're alone. I couldn't even answer the questions as I screamed more and more. They checked my cervix and confirmed that I was fully dilated and baby was coming right now. I was in a state of shock as I was only 30 weeks 5 days. I started crying for hubby as I was NOT going to push without him there. I couldn't live with myself if he missed the birth of his son.

They assured me he was already being sent for. Just a few seconds later he walked into the room and rushed to my side. He held my hand and just before another wave of pain hit me the doctor said "on the next contraction you need to push". As the pain hit me I pushed with all I had, hubby "cheering" me on the whole way (after everything was done he told me that he still had no idea what was going on until he heard the doctor say "push"). 10 minutes of pushing and our son entered the world.

I immediately started asking if he was OK, if he was breathing, if he was alive. They all (including hubby) stated that he looked just fine besides being small. They took him off to the side to clean him up and I told hubby to get pictures. They took care of me and baby quickly and efficiently. I got to hold my little one for only a minute or two.

He was put into the NICU and hubby went with him as I finally answered the questions I was too unfocused to answer before. When my doctor came to talk to me, I was told that he would be in there for at least 4 weeks. Afterwards, he would be moved to the nursery and worst case scenario he wouldn't be discharged until his actual due date.

When I was left alone, I called my parents and told them what happened. They rushed to see me and baby. I stayed in the hospital for two nights and was discharged on Saturday around 2:30. Every day I visited my son in the NICU. I went back today to see him as well and will be going back tomorrow and every day that I can until he's finally home where he belongs.

I'm recovering just fine. I didn't need any stitches and I'm actually not in any pain so I'm not on any medication. Now, I'm just hoping the next month (or more) fly by.

First picture with mommy. 3.3 lbs 15.5 in long.

Dee in the NICU on his first day. Oxygen, feeding tube, and IV helping to get him strong.

Holding daddy's finger today. He's off the oxygen, his IV is out, he's eating 24ml each feeding (every 2.5-3 hours), feeding tube was moved from his mouth to his nose, and he's under the UV light to help prevent jaundice.

)o( Jena

Hectic but laid back...how does that work?

So as the title suggests, life has been hectic but laid back lately. Hectic in the sense that I've had many doctor's appointments for our little one and we're currently looking to move to a better place before the baby arrives but laid back in the sense that I'm trying not to stress over every little thing. I know it's healthier for the baby that way.

I've been failing miserably on my reading challenge for the year. Though it hasn't discouraged me from continuing my reading. I'm actually currently reading the Hobbit aloud to the baby. And I will continue with the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Oh and on another note I'm currently 22 weeks and 1 day. Baby is progressing nicely. We found out a couple of weeks ago that we are welcoming *drum roll* a son into our lives! Our little boy loves to kick mommy in the ribs and roll around while I read to him. It makes me smile every time.

Well that's all the update I have for you at this time. Love and light, everyone!

)o( Jena

Happy Healthy Little Squidgie

That's my little squidgie! I dreaded this past Monday because my only ultrasound with Jordan showed no heartbeat and a week later my first child was gone. I was worried the same would happen this time. I shouldn't have been worried at all. 

According to the math on Monday I was 12w5d however the baby proved we were trying to him/her along a little too fast and only measured 11w2d. Every Saturday I'm a new week. So I'm technically already 12 weeks as of right now.

That heartbeat was a treasure. 155 bpm strong and steady. I love you little sweetheart. And I can't wait to meet you.

)o( Jena

Food, fun, and doctors

So it's May and I do not have my license yet. I've finished my four days of driving now I just have to take the driving test and pass to get my license. The get together with my family is now planned for next Saturday (which just happens to be my birthday so yay). Crawfish, fried catfish, potato salad and my own delicious banana pudding. I'm going to stuff myself so much lol.

Hubby and I will be getting to spend a few days just the two of us later this month as my parents and my baby sister are heading to San Antonio for 4 days and 3 nights. They've asked us to keep an eye on the apartment for them while they're gone.

So on to doctors. Well, I got on Medicaid recently for mainly one reason:

We found out on March 27th that we are pregnant with our second child. I was nervous at first and I didn't want to tell anyone until the baby was actually here. I didn't even want to tell Hubby. I didn't want to get any one's hopes up. I didn't even want to get my own up. But I couldn't help it when just one week later we were at my mom's house for Easter and I decided I wanted them to know. I had already told Hubby and though he was worried about telling them so soon I just knew that they would be supportive and I was right. I showed them the above photo claiming that it was a video of my little nephew.

The main thing that stopped some of my apprehension about this pregnancy was the fact that I've been symptom city since finding out. Nausea, itchy swollen breasts, fatigue, etc. etc. etc. I smile throughout it all though. I've been asked how I could possibly smile when every few minutes I'm gagging (no real sickness yet just lots of gagging and stomach turning). The answer is simple: I never felt this when I was pregnant with Jordan. The reason I took a test to begin with was because I was a little nauseous out of nowhere. But after that there was nothing. I felt no other symptoms. So now when I feel nausea or fatigue or even just itchy, I can't help the smile that spreads across my face. My little one is fighting.

According to math I'm 12 weeks  and 3 days (as of today). My first doctors appointment was this past Tuesday and my next is in less than 4 weeks on June 2nd. My first ultrasound is scheduled for this Monday and I'm doing everything I can not to dread the ultrasound. I'm just hoping that it all goes well.

Well that's it for now I guess. Wish me luck :)

)o( Jena

Life's little ups and downs

I haven't posted in a while so here goes...

I don't have a driver's license. We didn't have the money when I was in school for me to take the driving course, so since graduating, I've been looking forward to getting my license as soon as I possibly could. However, the law changed here a few years ago and instead of me being able to get my license with a simple six hour writing course that costs $45 - $50 dollars I would have to take the six hour course plus 8 hours of driving time with the school that costs $500. 

I'd been so worried about being able to save up the money so that I could go through with getting my license finally until one day my sister, (formally known as Wuffy) Ehnvy, offered to pay for my class and the driving. Since we moved in with her and my mother-in-law in January we've run into many times where it would have helped having another licensed driver in the house. 

So I took the written class and test on the 21st and though I didn't pass with flying colors I did pass and I now have my first day of driving scheduled for Thursday at 4pm. I'll be driving for 2 hours a day for 4 days. I'll have to schedule the others one at a time as well but that means that hopefully by the end of April I can go to the DMV and actually get my driver's license. 

I'm also looking forward to my birthday. I'll be turning 25 this year and I'm hoping to get together with my family and have crawfish and catfish and all kinds of nummy things. 

)o( Jena

Loss and heartbreak...

I've been thinking about Jordan a lot lately. I can't help it. This month would have been the month that I'd finally be able to hold him in my arms. That I'd finally be able to take him home and fawn over my little love. That I'd finally be able to see my husband be a daddy with his child. I got emotional just a half hour ago and wrote a short poem. I'd like to share it with anyone reading this.

Today I Miss You

That little line

So bright and blue

That was when the smiles started

That was when we knew

That simple party

So light and so gay

That was when the family was told

We could hear the Hurrays

That first appointment

So exciting and new

We knew we were coming home

With our first picture of you

That padded table

So warm yet so cold

That was when we found out

That your heart was not bold

That week that passed

Wringing our wrists blue

That was when we hoped

That what they told us wasn't true

That day in pain

With gushing blood

That was when I cried

I couldn't hold back the flood

That drive to the ER

With my mind askew

That was when I prayed

That I could keep you

That picture of my uterus

So empty and alone

That was when we knew

That our little love was gone

Today I hide behind smiles

Today I wish it wasn't true

Everyday I feel this

But today especially I miss you

I know this pain will never be completely gone from my mind. It'll be there in the back of my mind until I leave this world. I just hope I can one day learn how to cope with the pain.

)o( Jena

Posts are starting to spread

After the last two days I decided to post the following status to my Facebook:

I am a Solitary Eclectic Wiccan. I am Pansexual. I'm married to an Atheist. I am a bitch, I'm a mother, I'm a lover and a fighter. I have an attitude and I don't take shit from anyone. I fight hard but I love harder. Trust is more important to me than most anything and though it's hard to come by truthfully, it's very easy to lose. I do not judge. Follow who you will. Think what you want. Vote for whomever. A good person is a good person no matter who they're sleeping with, who they worship, or what their job is. I know that not many will agree with what I have said. If that is the case you know where the door is. However, I wish you wouldn't leave. I wish we could just talk it out and you will come to understand that though I'm not Christian. That though I'm not straight, I am still a good person. However, if you wish not to tough it out and see just how loyal of a friend I can be and will always be, then by all means leave. I will understand.

Today my sister posted the following status to her Facebook (I'm sharing with permission of Wuffy):

In light of recent events, I've come to a decision. I have been too passive in my life and it's time for a change. If anyone has any problems with my decision, feel free to talk with me about it - just know that nothing you say will change my mind.

I try to live my life to the fullest. I'm not judgmental, I'm not hateful, but I am also not religious. If this offends or bothers any of you, then I would ask each and every one of you to kindly exit my life.

Now I'm not saying that I want to purge all Christianity from my life - I'd mention other religions, but let's face it: most Christians are the most judgmental, hateful hypocrites in the world today - however, if you for some reason feel the need to preach to me about anything religious, or to say yours is the only true/right religion, then please allow me to show you the way out.

Pretty much all of my closest friends are all different religions, and you know what's the best part about them? Not one of them has tried to force me to believe what they do, nor have any of them talked down on me for my "lack of belief". This is one of the main reasons that they are considered my closest friends.

I do have Christian friends, and many Christian family members, all of whom I love dearly. Most of whom I can get along with. I'm the type of person that couldn't give a damn what you choose to believe in, if you're a good person then that's all that matters to me. And the same goes for your sexuality and race. You could be a Mexican transsexual atheist, black lesbian Buddhist, or any mix of any race, religion and sexuality and I would still love you all the same.

The only thing that I'd ask of you is to treat me with the same respect. There is NO right or wrong way to live your life, and I will not tolerate anyone who says there is. If you don't like the way I live my own life, then by all means, please feel free to leave. You won't be hurting my feelings. You won't break my heart by doing so.

Do not, however, take my kindness for a weakness. I am by no means a pushover and I don't have the tiniest ounce of a fuck to give for your intolerance. I haven't the time or the patience to deal with your hate. There are very few reasons I would shun someone or feel the need to remove myself from their lives, but any time I do, it is always for only one reason: to better my own life and my son's life.

I will not take it upon myself to remove anyone from my life without good reason, however, if anyone feels that my way of life will put strain on our relationship (whatever it may be), and you decide not to heed my advice to end it now before it implodes, then this is your one and only warning.

Do not expect civility if I have to leave you instead, and do not expect me to let you back in if I have to cut you out.

I've grown much too tired of all the hate and intolerance in the world and I would like to apologize to anyone whose feelings I have hurt with this message. I am not hateful or cruel, I strive only to be the best person I can be, but if it's not good enough for you - I completely understand. If I have not improved or benefited your life in any way, then you have no place in mine.

Again, I apologize for any hurt feelings; I just refuse to live my life the way others would like. This is my life. This is the only life that I am given (unless you believe in reincarnation) and I have every intention of living it my way. And I choose to live my life drama free, who's with me?  

I hope to see more and more of my friends post statuses like these. If everyone would just be up front and honest about their true feelings then people could start to realize that we can't change everyone to fit our own ideals and beliefs. That we should let everyone be happy the way they are. That we should just coexist.

Wuffy also mentioned after posting her status that she now sees why I blog. Not only to keep up with certain things but get things off of my chest. Just the act of typing it up isn't enough. It's hitting the publish button that does it. It's knowing that even if everyone doesn't read it someone will and maybe, just maybe, that person will agree with you.

)o( Jena

Losing a family member...symbolically

So my mom found this blog through my Facebook and has taken the posts about her as a personal attack on her. She deleted me on Facebook then (after a status from me trying to provoke her into telling me why) told me that ultimately she can not be friends with or associate with someone who chooses to follow Satan over the one true God. Then she told me that I'm only allowed at her house one or two more times to get the rest of my stuff out of her house.

To be honest at first I was pissed. How could she be this immature about it? Then I was indifferent. Everything was out now. My true thoughts and feelings and my true path. Now I'm a little hurt. I never thought that my own mother wouldn't be able to look past the differences to see that ultimately I am her daughter. Her own flesh and blood.

Either way I'm happy that I finally said what has been needed to be said for years. The cards on the table and she, instead of playing her own cards, switched to a different game. I hope she has a happy life. I'll miss her and I hope one day we can move past this but for now I've been summarily disowned.

)o( Jena

Still settling in

So we're almost officially moved in. We still have a few boxes at my mom's that we have yet to go pick up because every time we go we don't have the room to load them up. And we still have packed boxes here that need to be unpacked and put away but to finally be able to sleep at night and not have to hear knocking on my wall because someone wants coffee is a dream come true.

Things of course will be hectic while we all relearn how to live with each other but I'm hoping that soon we'll slip back into the flow of things.

The only bad things about this move is that I haven't really been able read or write lately. I've just been so exhausted at night. Normally at the apartment during the night when everyone was asleep was when I'd read or sit down to write some more in my novel. But for the past two days I've been falling asleep at around 9-10 and waking up at 5-7. It's really throwing me off but again I hope to soon slip right into the flow of things and figure out where to fit in my reading and writing time.

That's all for now :)

)o( Jena

Things are definitely starting to look up

Forgot to mention this but..... I'M MOVING! Yes I'll be moving in with my mother-in-law, Wuffy, and little Robbie-man but it will get me away from the stressful environment that I just can't stay in any longer.

Hubby and I are packing now and hope to be moved in by next weekend. No, he will not have to quit his job. I may still be getting $100 a month from Wuffy for helping to take care of Robbie every day and if not it's cool there are plenty of job opportunities for me around her house. Though my mother-in-law is Christian she doesn't care that I'm Wiccan as long as I'm happy and a good person so that's a good thing.

There's not really anything else I can think of to say I just wanted to tell you all the good news. :D

)o( Jena

List of books to read

So I'm not going to put the actual list here in this post as it consists of 150 books but I just wanted to let anyone who's reading know that I'm officially keeping track of all the books I'll be reading this year. Now normally when you set a challenge for yourself to read so many books in a year you don't normally make a list of the books you'll read you just pick up a book and read it and when it's finished it's tallied on to the list of books you've already finished. However, I have about 250-300 books both in print and digital and I know that many of them take me a while to get through and if I were to pick them up randomly one day I'd never meet my goal. So I've compiled a list of only 150 of my books that I know I can at least get through. You can find the list here along with a key of books I've read, books I couldn't get through, and books that I just plum skipped or couldn't get to by the end of the year.

You'll notice if you go to the page that the list is in alphabetical order by title only. That means that even though you can tell I have series of books in the list they're mixed amongst the other series and stand alone books. Yes I will have a handwritten list of the series reading order for my own use so that I'm not reading anything out of order and no I am not going to read the list starting from A and ending in W (cause I don't own a book that starts with X, Y, or Z funnily enough). I'll read what strikes my fancy when I finish with a book and it may stay with the same genre but it could veer off in a wild way. 

I'm hoping that this will be something that isn't too hard for me to keep up with here's hoping!

)o( Jena

Not so happy new year

So I woke up today thinking that today is going to be a good day. I was wrong. I realized something that I failed to mention in my previous blog so here goes.

My dad is normally on my side when it comes to Cherry doing her one and only chore each and every day. He gets just as pissed as me when she doesn't do it. My mom? Oh no, that's her baby and she helps out mom "all the time" so there's no need to yell at her for not doing her chore. Which pisses off me, dad, and hubby. Today I wake up and walk out of my room only to find out that Cherry's one chore of taking out the trash has now been transferred to yours fucking truly. Seriously!?

So now I have to take care of my mom, cook her and dad's dinner every night, do the dishes every night, be at her beck and call for every hour of the day, take out the trash every night at 10, strive to not kill someone, and strive to hold onto my fucking sanity and integrity until I and my hubby can get the fuck out of here.

April can't come quick enough. We're hoping with our tax return we can move out and get our own vehicle so that I will not have to be here any more. We've been planning on moving back to North Dakota since we've been living with my parents but it was me who in a way but the kibosh on that. I didn't want to have my first child 1500 miles away from my family. I'm regretting my decision. So basically as soon as we can we'll be moving as far away from here as I can.

I used to be a mother's girl. Now? Fuck that. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of being yelled at to be like my baby sister when the person yelling at me sleeps and eats all damn day and doesn't even know half the shit that comes out of Cherry's mouth against her.

I have to stop now or I'll probably throw my computer.

)o( Jena

Some info, then some bad followed by some (hopefully) good

So, if you've read up to this point you know that I am basically girl slave here in my mother's house and it's almost literally, OK not really, killing me. I don't just live with my parents however, it's my parents, me, my husband and my baby sister. I'll call her Cherry as that's a shortened version of her online name in well almost everything.

Cherry is 20 years old as of this past October. She graduated in 2013 and since then she's done.....next to nothing. She took her driving class while in school and though she passed with flying colors she was only allowed to get her permit by our parents as she's driven (not counting in the class) all of about 40 minutes. They don't want her to have her licence right now because they're not sure if she'll be good enough to drive their car. I understand this. Their car is brand new. Had to be bought because the one they had before (that they still had 2 years to make payments on) was totalled and needed to be replaced. They don't want to have to replace this new car especially since they had to clean out their savings just to pay the down payment on this one.

She was in AFJROTC all four years in high school and after graduating looked into joining the Air Force. When she didn't get a call back from the one phone call she placed looking for where to sign up she gave up and went for the Army. After being given a medical exam over a weekend and then never calling to see how it went for her she quit on that as well. She's put in applications at 1 count 'em 1 place since then. That place being Kroger with Hubby. After going to a job fair type thing she never called them to find out what else was needed to get a job. This was 2 months ago.

Here at home she has one chore: take out the trash every night at 10pm. With 5 of us living here we fill the trash pretty quickly so there's always at least one bag to take out every night. She knows (and has known for the last 2 years) that this is all she has to do each night. Now there are some nights where she will leave her room to take out the trash without being reminded but this is not the norm. Take tonight for example: It was 11:30 something when she had to be told to take out the trash that has been piling up for 2 days because she couldn't be bothered to leave her room.

She's 20 years old. She should not have to reminded to take out the trash every single night. It's ridiculous. But yes that is exactly what needs to happen. And every time it does happen her response has always been *snotty 13 year old voice* "Oooookaaaaay" Fucking seriously?! Then she bitches over Tumblr, New Grounds, and other sites how she can never be left alone and she's never treated like an adult. I am firmly on the side that if you wish to be treated as an adult maybe you should act like one. Maybe you shouldn't act like a child that has everything handed to them. She gets pissed when the internet is down because that means she can't get on and play her games and talk to her friends over Skype. She feels entitled to always have good internet access and to never have to do any chores and she should always be given money to spend on CDs and shit once a week. Seriously what fucking family did she grow up with??

Then she'll complain about my complaining saying that I have no room to bitch about anything because I have it so good. Again fucking seriously? OK let's look at this in her idea of "got it good". My first cellphone was bought for me by my then boyfriend Thomas and it was a cheap nokia tracphone. You know the ones. Tiny blue boxes where you could only pass the time by playing snake with the graphic quality worse than then original Mario Bros. I didn't get my first "real" cellphone until I was 15. Not a new one but one that actually had a plan for it that gave me unlimited texting. I didn't get my first brand new phone until after I was married. Even now I have a new-ish phone but I have to keep up with the bill. Her? She got her first cell phone at the age of 14 and it was brand new fresh off the line. She's gotten three new phones since then whenever her phone stops working for one reason or another. Oh and our mom has been paying her phone bills the whole time.

Laptop: I didn't have my first one until I was 18 and that was an old one of my mom's that didn't even work anymore. Once you turned it on you had maybe 10 minutes to do whatever you needed to before it would crash. I used it to mainly to write as it would no longer get online or play games properly. After that I got another laptop when I was 20 another hand-me-down this time from my cousin. Though I could now get online using my own laptop it was slow and had many problems and viruses that kept it from running smooth enough to get anything done that took longer than an hour. I received my first brand new computer when I was 22 as a Christmas present from my parents. I used that for a year before my dad purchased me a new one the following year (the same one I have now) with the plan to give him mine (which had Windows 7 and he wasn't ready to have a Windows 8 computer which is all the new computers had anyway). Her? She received her first laptop when she was 16. She received another brand new one when she was 18 (the same year I got my first one) after hers had so many viruses that you could probably have caught something just by being in the same room as it. She's had 2 other brand new laptops since. Each one catching so many viruses that she refused to try to fix it and just demanded a new one.

Privacy and being left alone? As you all know by now I am NEVER left alone. I'm either sleeping or being bothered by someone to do something at pretty much all hours of the day. She has, as previously stated, one job each and every day. She may be bothered once a week to walk up to Circle K (about a 30 minute walk there and back) which she makes on her own once a week anyway.

There are many other things that she's been "blessed" with in her life that I had to wait/work for. I'm not saying that she should be put through the same thing that I was/am. I'm just saying that if you're living with someone who has no qualms about telling you how fucked up their life is maybe you shouldn't claim that they have it better off when that is clearly not the fucking case.

Anyway onto the good: I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and I hope your year brings you happiness and love and all the things you want out of life. Or at least enough of it that the good far out weighs the bad.

So I don't actually make resolutions at the end/beginning of the year because, as you know, I don't always finish what I set out to do. However, this year I will make at least a few.

1. I want to read more and keep a list of each book I've read or re-read for the year of 2015. I'd love to be here this time next year looking over a very fleshed out and eclectic list of books that I own and have actually read.

2. I want to write at least one novel. I'm not good with following NaNoWriMo because knowing that I'm forcing myself to write 50k words in 30 days kind of gives me hives but I think to write 50k words in 365 days might be better for me. If I write more than that then yay!

3. Looking over my posts from this blog's conception I made 34 posts in 2013 and only 9 in 2014 yes I did the 21 days to make a habit thing and that takes up 24 posts. But that means if you take those posts out then in the last 2 years I've only posted 19 blogs. Seriously? I'm appalled at this. So this year I will strive to at least post twice a month. If I do that it will at least give me 24 posts. Now there is no way I can agree to post once a day because that would make me feel obligated then I'd probably just leave. I have that flaw, I admit, and I just don't want to leave this behind because even though I haven't made nearly the posts that I'd like to have made by now this blog makes me happy. It gives me somewhere to rant without having to worry about what my mom is going to say about it this time that I'm going to have to deal with. So yeah I will strive to post at least twice a month for the year of 2015.

See that's about it. I don't want to give myself too much because then I'll just get pissed at myself if I don't follow through on enough of them. With this list? I can actually see myself following through on all 3 of these and at the end of the year I'd feel extremely proud of myself.

So once again Happy New Year everyone and may your year be as wonderful as you want it to be.

)o( Jena