Forgot to mention this but..... I'M MOVING! Yes I'll be moving in with my mother-in-law, Wuffy, and little Robbie-man but it will get me away from the stressful environment that I just can't stay in any longer.
Hubby and I are packing now and hope to be moved in by next weekend. No, he will not have to quit his job. I may still be getting $100 a month from Wuffy for helping to take care of Robbie every day and if not it's cool there are plenty of job opportunities for me around her house. Though my mother-in-law is Christian she doesn't care that I'm Wiccan as long as I'm happy and a good person so that's a good thing.
There's not really anything else I can think of to say I just wanted to tell you all the good news. :D
)o( Jena
I'm a wife, a Wiccan, and a writer. Here is my life...
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
List of books to read
So I'm not going to put the actual list here in this post as it consists of 150 books but I just wanted to let anyone who's reading know that I'm officially keeping track of all the books I'll be reading this year. Now normally when you set a challenge for yourself to read so many books in a year you don't normally make a list of the books you'll read you just pick up a book and read it and when it's finished it's tallied on to the list of books you've already finished. However, I have about 250-300 books both in print and digital and I know that many of them take me a while to get through and if I were to pick them up randomly one day I'd never meet my goal. So I've compiled a list of only 150 of my books that I know I can at least get through. You can find the list here along with a key of books I've read, books I couldn't get through, and books that I just plum skipped or couldn't get to by the end of the year.
You'll notice if you go to the page that the list is in alphabetical order by title only. That means that even though you can tell I have series of books in the list they're mixed amongst the other series and stand alone books. Yes I will have a handwritten list of the series reading order for my own use so that I'm not reading anything out of order and no I am not going to read the list starting from A and ending in W (cause I don't own a book that starts with X, Y, or Z funnily enough). I'll read what strikes my fancy when I finish with a book and it may stay with the same genre but it could veer off in a wild way.
I'm hoping that this will be something that isn't too hard for me to keep up with here's hoping!
)o( Jena
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Not so happy new year
So I woke up today thinking that today is going to be a good day. I was wrong. I realized something that I failed to mention in my previous blog so here goes.
My dad is normally on my side when it comes to Cherry doing her one and only chore each and every day. He gets just as pissed as me when she doesn't do it. My mom? Oh no, that's her baby and she helps out mom "all the time" so there's no need to yell at her for not doing her chore. Which pisses off me, dad, and hubby. Today I wake up and walk out of my room only to find out that Cherry's one chore of taking out the trash has now been transferred to yours fucking truly. Seriously!?
So now I have to take care of my mom, cook her and dad's dinner every night, do the dishes every night, be at her beck and call for every hour of the day, take out the trash every night at 10, strive to not kill someone, and strive to hold onto my fucking sanity and integrity until I and my hubby can get the fuck out of here.
April can't come quick enough. We're hoping with our tax return we can move out and get our own vehicle so that I will not have to be here any more. We've been planning on moving back to North Dakota since we've been living with my parents but it was me who in a way but the kibosh on that. I didn't want to have my first child 1500 miles away from my family. I'm regretting my decision. So basically as soon as we can we'll be moving as far away from here as I can.
I used to be a mother's girl. Now? Fuck that. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of being yelled at to be like my baby sister when the person yelling at me sleeps and eats all damn day and doesn't even know half the shit that comes out of Cherry's mouth against her.
I have to stop now or I'll probably throw my computer.
)o( Jena
My dad is normally on my side when it comes to Cherry doing her one and only chore each and every day. He gets just as pissed as me when she doesn't do it. My mom? Oh no, that's her baby and she helps out mom "all the time" so there's no need to yell at her for not doing her chore. Which pisses off me, dad, and hubby. Today I wake up and walk out of my room only to find out that Cherry's one chore of taking out the trash has now been transferred to yours fucking truly. Seriously!?
So now I have to take care of my mom, cook her and dad's dinner every night, do the dishes every night, be at her beck and call for every hour of the day, take out the trash every night at 10, strive to not kill someone, and strive to hold onto my fucking sanity and integrity until I and my hubby can get the fuck out of here.
April can't come quick enough. We're hoping with our tax return we can move out and get our own vehicle so that I will not have to be here any more. We've been planning on moving back to North Dakota since we've been living with my parents but it was me who in a way but the kibosh on that. I didn't want to have my first child 1500 miles away from my family. I'm regretting my decision. So basically as soon as we can we'll be moving as far away from here as I can.
I used to be a mother's girl. Now? Fuck that. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of being yelled at to be like my baby sister when the person yelling at me sleeps and eats all damn day and doesn't even know half the shit that comes out of Cherry's mouth against her.
I have to stop now or I'll probably throw my computer.
)o( Jena
Some info, then some bad followed by some (hopefully) good
So, if you've read up to this point you know that I am basically girl slave here in my mother's house and it's almost literally, OK not really, killing me. I don't just live with my parents however, it's my parents, me, my husband and my baby sister. I'll call her Cherry as that's a shortened version of her online name in well almost everything.
Cherry is 20 years old as of this past October. She graduated in 2013 and since then she's done.....next to nothing. She took her driving class while in school and though she passed with flying colors she was only allowed to get her permit by our parents as she's driven (not counting in the class) all of about 40 minutes. They don't want her to have her licence right now because they're not sure if she'll be good enough to drive their car. I understand this. Their car is brand new. Had to be bought because the one they had before (that they still had 2 years to make payments on) was totalled and needed to be replaced. They don't want to have to replace this new car especially since they had to clean out their savings just to pay the down payment on this one.
She was in AFJROTC all four years in high school and after graduating looked into joining the Air Force. When she didn't get a call back from the one phone call she placed looking for where to sign up she gave up and went for the Army. After being given a medical exam over a weekend and then never calling to see how it went for her she quit on that as well. She's put in applications at 1 count 'em 1 place since then. That place being Kroger with Hubby. After going to a job fair type thing she never called them to find out what else was needed to get a job. This was 2 months ago.
Here at home she has one chore: take out the trash every night at 10pm. With 5 of us living here we fill the trash pretty quickly so there's always at least one bag to take out every night. She knows (and has known for the last 2 years) that this is all she has to do each night. Now there are some nights where she will leave her room to take out the trash without being reminded but this is not the norm. Take tonight for example: It was 11:30 something when she had to be told to take out the trash that has been piling up for 2 days because she couldn't be bothered to leave her room.
She's 20 years old. She should not have to reminded to take out the trash every single night. It's ridiculous. But yes that is exactly what needs to happen. And every time it does happen her response has always been *snotty 13 year old voice* "Oooookaaaaay" Fucking seriously?! Then she bitches over Tumblr, New Grounds, and other sites how she can never be left alone and she's never treated like an adult. I am firmly on the side that if you wish to be treated as an adult maybe you should act like one. Maybe you shouldn't act like a child that has everything handed to them. She gets pissed when the internet is down because that means she can't get on and play her games and talk to her friends over Skype. She feels entitled to always have good internet access and to never have to do any chores and she should always be given money to spend on CDs and shit once a week. Seriously what fucking family did she grow up with??
Then she'll complain about my complaining saying that I have no room to bitch about anything because I have it so good. Again fucking seriously? OK let's look at this in her idea of "got it good". My first cellphone was bought for me by my then boyfriend Thomas and it was a cheap nokia tracphone. You know the ones. Tiny blue boxes where you could only pass the time by playing snake with the graphic quality worse than then original Mario Bros. I didn't get my first "real" cellphone until I was 15. Not a new one but one that actually had a plan for it that gave me unlimited texting. I didn't get my first brand new phone until after I was married. Even now I have a new-ish phone but I have to keep up with the bill. Her? She got her first cell phone at the age of 14 and it was brand new fresh off the line. She's gotten three new phones since then whenever her phone stops working for one reason or another. Oh and our mom has been paying her phone bills the whole time.
Laptop: I didn't have my first one until I was 18 and that was an old one of my mom's that didn't even work anymore. Once you turned it on you had maybe 10 minutes to do whatever you needed to before it would crash. I used it to mainly to write as it would no longer get online or play games properly. After that I got another laptop when I was 20 another hand-me-down this time from my cousin. Though I could now get online using my own laptop it was slow and had many problems and viruses that kept it from running smooth enough to get anything done that took longer than an hour. I received my first brand new computer when I was 22 as a Christmas present from my parents. I used that for a year before my dad purchased me a new one the following year (the same one I have now) with the plan to give him mine (which had Windows 7 and he wasn't ready to have a Windows 8 computer which is all the new computers had anyway). Her? She received her first laptop when she was 16. She received another brand new one when she was 18 (the same year I got my first one) after hers had so many viruses that you could probably have caught something just by being in the same room as it. She's had 2 other brand new laptops since. Each one catching so many viruses that she refused to try to fix it and just demanded a new one.
Privacy and being left alone? As you all know by now I am NEVER left alone. I'm either sleeping or being bothered by someone to do something at pretty much all hours of the day. She has, as previously stated, one job each and every day. She may be bothered once a week to walk up to Circle K (about a 30 minute walk there and back) which she makes on her own once a week anyway.
There are many other things that she's been "blessed" with in her life that I had to wait/work for. I'm not saying that she should be put through the same thing that I was/am. I'm just saying that if you're living with someone who has no qualms about telling you how fucked up their life is maybe you shouldn't claim that they have it better off when that is clearly not the fucking case.
Anyway onto the good: I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and I hope your year brings you happiness and love and all the things you want out of life. Or at least enough of it that the good far out weighs the bad.
So I don't actually make resolutions at the end/beginning of the year because, as you know, I don't always finish what I set out to do. However, this year I will make at least a few.
1. I want to read more and keep a list of each book I've read or re-read for the year of 2015. I'd love to be here this time next year looking over a very fleshed out and eclectic list of books that I own and have actually read.
2. I want to write at least one novel. I'm not good with following NaNoWriMo because knowing that I'm forcing myself to write 50k words in 30 days kind of gives me hives but I think to write 50k words in 365 days might be better for me. If I write more than that then yay!
3. Looking over my posts from this blog's conception I made 34 posts in 2013 and only 9 in 2014 yes I did the 21 days to make a habit thing and that takes up 24 posts. But that means if you take those posts out then in the last 2 years I've only posted 19 blogs. Seriously? I'm appalled at this. So this year I will strive to at least post twice a month. If I do that it will at least give me 24 posts. Now there is no way I can agree to post once a day because that would make me feel obligated then I'd probably just leave. I have that flaw, I admit, and I just don't want to leave this behind because even though I haven't made nearly the posts that I'd like to have made by now this blog makes me happy. It gives me somewhere to rant without having to worry about what my mom is going to say about it this time that I'm going to have to deal with. So yeah I will strive to post at least twice a month for the year of 2015.
See that's about it. I don't want to give myself too much because then I'll just get pissed at myself if I don't follow through on enough of them. With this list? I can actually see myself following through on all 3 of these and at the end of the year I'd feel extremely proud of myself.
So once again Happy New Year everyone and may your year be as wonderful as you want it to be.
)o( Jena
Cherry is 20 years old as of this past October. She graduated in 2013 and since then she's done.....next to nothing. She took her driving class while in school and though she passed with flying colors she was only allowed to get her permit by our parents as she's driven (not counting in the class) all of about 40 minutes. They don't want her to have her licence right now because they're not sure if she'll be good enough to drive their car. I understand this. Their car is brand new. Had to be bought because the one they had before (that they still had 2 years to make payments on) was totalled and needed to be replaced. They don't want to have to replace this new car especially since they had to clean out their savings just to pay the down payment on this one.
She was in AFJROTC all four years in high school and after graduating looked into joining the Air Force. When she didn't get a call back from the one phone call she placed looking for where to sign up she gave up and went for the Army. After being given a medical exam over a weekend and then never calling to see how it went for her she quit on that as well. She's put in applications at 1 count 'em 1 place since then. That place being Kroger with Hubby. After going to a job fair type thing she never called them to find out what else was needed to get a job. This was 2 months ago.
Here at home she has one chore: take out the trash every night at 10pm. With 5 of us living here we fill the trash pretty quickly so there's always at least one bag to take out every night. She knows (and has known for the last 2 years) that this is all she has to do each night. Now there are some nights where she will leave her room to take out the trash without being reminded but this is not the norm. Take tonight for example: It was 11:30 something when she had to be told to take out the trash that has been piling up for 2 days because she couldn't be bothered to leave her room.
She's 20 years old. She should not have to reminded to take out the trash every single night. It's ridiculous. But yes that is exactly what needs to happen. And every time it does happen her response has always been *snotty 13 year old voice* "Oooookaaaaay" Fucking seriously?! Then she bitches over Tumblr, New Grounds, and other sites how she can never be left alone and she's never treated like an adult. I am firmly on the side that if you wish to be treated as an adult maybe you should act like one. Maybe you shouldn't act like a child that has everything handed to them. She gets pissed when the internet is down because that means she can't get on and play her games and talk to her friends over Skype. She feels entitled to always have good internet access and to never have to do any chores and she should always be given money to spend on CDs and shit once a week. Seriously what fucking family did she grow up with??
Then she'll complain about my complaining saying that I have no room to bitch about anything because I have it so good. Again fucking seriously? OK let's look at this in her idea of "got it good". My first cellphone was bought for me by my then boyfriend Thomas and it was a cheap nokia tracphone. You know the ones. Tiny blue boxes where you could only pass the time by playing snake with the graphic quality worse than then original Mario Bros. I didn't get my first "real" cellphone until I was 15. Not a new one but one that actually had a plan for it that gave me unlimited texting. I didn't get my first brand new phone until after I was married. Even now I have a new-ish phone but I have to keep up with the bill. Her? She got her first cell phone at the age of 14 and it was brand new fresh off the line. She's gotten three new phones since then whenever her phone stops working for one reason or another. Oh and our mom has been paying her phone bills the whole time.
Laptop: I didn't have my first one until I was 18 and that was an old one of my mom's that didn't even work anymore. Once you turned it on you had maybe 10 minutes to do whatever you needed to before it would crash. I used it to mainly to write as it would no longer get online or play games properly. After that I got another laptop when I was 20 another hand-me-down this time from my cousin. Though I could now get online using my own laptop it was slow and had many problems and viruses that kept it from running smooth enough to get anything done that took longer than an hour. I received my first brand new computer when I was 22 as a Christmas present from my parents. I used that for a year before my dad purchased me a new one the following year (the same one I have now) with the plan to give him mine (which had Windows 7 and he wasn't ready to have a Windows 8 computer which is all the new computers had anyway). Her? She received her first laptop when she was 16. She received another brand new one when she was 18 (the same year I got my first one) after hers had so many viruses that you could probably have caught something just by being in the same room as it. She's had 2 other brand new laptops since. Each one catching so many viruses that she refused to try to fix it and just demanded a new one.
Privacy and being left alone? As you all know by now I am NEVER left alone. I'm either sleeping or being bothered by someone to do something at pretty much all hours of the day. She has, as previously stated, one job each and every day. She may be bothered once a week to walk up to Circle K (about a 30 minute walk there and back) which she makes on her own once a week anyway.
There are many other things that she's been "blessed" with in her life that I had to wait/work for. I'm not saying that she should be put through the same thing that I was/am. I'm just saying that if you're living with someone who has no qualms about telling you how fucked up their life is maybe you shouldn't claim that they have it better off when that is clearly not the fucking case.
Anyway onto the good: I want to wish everyone a very Happy New Year and I hope your year brings you happiness and love and all the things you want out of life. Or at least enough of it that the good far out weighs the bad.
So I don't actually make resolutions at the end/beginning of the year because, as you know, I don't always finish what I set out to do. However, this year I will make at least a few.
1. I want to read more and keep a list of each book I've read or re-read for the year of 2015. I'd love to be here this time next year looking over a very fleshed out and eclectic list of books that I own and have actually read.
2. I want to write at least one novel. I'm not good with following NaNoWriMo because knowing that I'm forcing myself to write 50k words in 30 days kind of gives me hives but I think to write 50k words in 365 days might be better for me. If I write more than that then yay!
3. Looking over my posts from this blog's conception I made 34 posts in 2013 and only 9 in 2014 yes I did the 21 days to make a habit thing and that takes up 24 posts. But that means if you take those posts out then in the last 2 years I've only posted 19 blogs. Seriously? I'm appalled at this. So this year I will strive to at least post twice a month. If I do that it will at least give me 24 posts. Now there is no way I can agree to post once a day because that would make me feel obligated then I'd probably just leave. I have that flaw, I admit, and I just don't want to leave this behind because even though I haven't made nearly the posts that I'd like to have made by now this blog makes me happy. It gives me somewhere to rant without having to worry about what my mom is going to say about it this time that I'm going to have to deal with. So yeah I will strive to post at least twice a month for the year of 2015.
See that's about it. I don't want to give myself too much because then I'll just get pissed at myself if I don't follow through on enough of them. With this list? I can actually see myself following through on all 3 of these and at the end of the year I'd feel extremely proud of myself.
So once again Happy New Year everyone and may your year be as wonderful as you want it to be.
)o( Jena
Friday, December 26, 2014
PBP - Winter Holidays and Family
If your family actually believes as you do, then perhaps these holiday gatherings aren't tough at all. Please, share with us how your Pagan winter family gathering go..."
Well, anyone who has read this knows that I live with my Catholic parents. I try to avoid all talk of religion though it's hard especially when my mother will see my nephew staring at the light or the ceiling fan and make the claim that he can see Jesus in the light. I have to stifle a moan and bite my tongue. Everything during the holidays is a miracle, dad gets his bonus (which he gets every damned year)? Miracle! We bought just enough food to feed everyone for the Christmas get together? Miracle! She found the perfect present for everyone? Miracle!
It's a little infuriating. Okay a lot, but yes it makes family gatherings awkward and I wish I could say that when I finally move out I'll be more out and out about my faith and my beliefs with my family but I just can't know right now.
Also as I have no one around me that believes as I do, I don't get to really celebrate Yule. I send up fervent prayers throughout the day but I don't get to perform a ritual. I don't get to actually celebrate and again I wish I could say that when I move out that will change but I just can't know.
What about you, dear readers? What are your thoughts?
)o(Jena
Sorry for my absence...and my language...
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I think it's ... hold on let me check... four months. Damn that's a long time. Well, I've been dealing with the loss of my child as has my husband. We decided to name the child Jordan as naming a lost child can be a good coping mechanism. We picked Jordan because it's a gender neutral name and as I was only 9 weeks at the time of the miscarriage we didn't know the sex of the baby.
I was worried about many things happening due to losing my child and many of those have come to fruition. I was worried about how I would handle all of the "God needed another angel" statements from my mainly Christian family and though I've never said anything aloud to them this has caused me to be more open about my faith on my facebook. I never used to be just because of the fact that I have many family members in my friends list and I didn't want to deal with the controversy but now I don't care. I've even made my cover photo purely Wiccan related. My profile picture was at one time as well. And I've been posting more Wiccan related articles and pictures. This has caused a more strained relationship with my mother but as I said: I don't care.
I'm tired of hiding who I am to make my mother happy. I'm tired of accepting all this bullshit from people who know that I'm not Christian still pushing their beliefs on me. To learn from my own fucking mother that the reason she's sad that I have lost my child is because he couldn't be born and saved through baptism so now he's stuck in purgatory and that she now has to add another rosary to her daily prayers for all those in purgatory and for all those in her family that are being turned away from God by Satan. It's all religious bullshit and it's pissing me off so much that it has put a strain on my sanity and my marriage. Hubby and I have been arguing more lately and it's all because I'm so depressed and pissed all the time and then having to deal with my mother all day every day and then have my husband come home from work and make short statements that normally wouldn't even bother me but now have me snapping at him in a complete rage. And not just him but I've snapped at my mother, my sisters, my friends.
My plan was to be out of this apartment quickly. Hubby and I moved in just over two years ago and it was supposed to just be for about 6 months. Well, look at how that turned out. Hubby actually lost two jobs in our first year here which definitely set us back. We tried to save up the money for me to get my drivers' license (as we couldn't afford the class when I was in school it will cost me about $500 to take the class before I can get my license) but then I started to go blind in my right eye. Starting with a squiggly black line in the middle of my vision and spreading to where I could only see out of the top eighth of my right eye and my peripheral vision was completely gone. We decided then to use the money we'd already saved to try and find out what was wrong with my eye. 3 weeks, 5 vision tests, 3 dilated pupils, and a bill for $1500 later I quit. My vision was already starting to return and the bills where going to end up bankrupting us.
Hubby got his current job a little over a year ago and though this job is the best job he's ever had (in his own words) saving money has gotten harder. We pay my parents $33 a week (as he gets paid weekly), he pays his $46 phone bill once a month, we spend a total of $110 a month on cigarettes (both of us get them every other week), then there are normal expenses through out the month. Mainly hubby getting himself something to eat before going to work at 10pm 5 nights a week. Then there's gas, groceries, putting away as much as we can into savings, paying off our credit card sometimes with the bare minimum. So after netting around $1200 a month we end up with around $200 left. It's discouraging to have these unexpected bills come up.
Unexpected as hubby having to have a tooth pulled, losing a father/father-in-law and a child, and many other things. It would help if I could go out and get a real job. As of right now my parents pay me $50 every two weeks for "taking care" of my mother. The reason they started to pay me is because back in April of 2012 my mother stepped on a piece of glass in the kitchen in the middle of the night. We are still to this day unsure where it came from. It got embedded in her big toe and she was screaming in pain. At this time hubby and I were sleeping in the living room on a pull out couch. Due to this I heard her and jumped up to help her out. I pulled out the glass and doctored her up so that she could walk with less difficulty. The following day my parents came to me with $50 and said thank you and that they would continue to pay me the $50 every other week for helping my mother out around the house. I agreed because cool an extra $100 a month couldn't hurt.
Well it doesn't go far. I pay my own $46 phone bill once a month then buying myself extra packs of cigarettes when I need them because I smoke so much more living here with my mother than I did when I lived any where else. The reason being is that my mother has taken "caregiver" to a whole new extreme. I don't just help her into/out of the shower when she needs me. I don't just go grocery shopping for her. I don't just help her clean up certain areas of the house to get the place ready for the monthly inspection. I also bring her food every 4-5 hours. And I mean it it's fucking 4-5 hours. She'll be starving but she'll only eat a child's portion then be hungry soon after and I'm literally running around all day getting her different food, and making and bringing her coffee, switching out her DVDs, etc. etc. etc. I don't feel like a caregiver, I feel like a child again. When I was a kid living with my parents I was in charge of cooking dinner every night, making and serving coffee, doing the household laundry for all five of us once a month, mowing the yard once a week in the summer, etc. etc. etc. Now I'm not bitching about having chores. That's a given as a child. But because I was the eldest child I was tasked with doing damn near every chore there was. My sisters were only tasked with keeping their rooms clean.
Now that I'm an adult trying to make my way in this world with my husband I feel like I'm 13 again being charged with cleaning and cooking everything while everyone else sits on their computers playing, or watching movies, or napping all damned day. It's fucking frustrating and I just can't fucking live like this for the rest of my life. But there are days where I feel like I'll be stuck here forever. That dealing with the stress of my mother will end my marriage, will end my individuality, will end me. If I could get a real job I'd be able to help get us out of her faster but due to me not having a license and the household only having one vehicle I have to search within walking distance. And though I've applied at around 50 places within 30 minutes walking distance none have accepted. I've applied at many of them three and four times now. Each time being told the normal "we're not hiring" "you're under qualified" etc. etc. etc.
Anyway I feel like and in fact I'm sure that I've rambled through this entire post but I'm so exhausted, depressed, pissed off, and stressed that I can't keep my thoughts in line right now. Well, here's hoping things start to get better....
)o( Jena
I was worried about many things happening due to losing my child and many of those have come to fruition. I was worried about how I would handle all of the "God needed another angel" statements from my mainly Christian family and though I've never said anything aloud to them this has caused me to be more open about my faith on my facebook. I never used to be just because of the fact that I have many family members in my friends list and I didn't want to deal with the controversy but now I don't care. I've even made my cover photo purely Wiccan related. My profile picture was at one time as well. And I've been posting more Wiccan related articles and pictures. This has caused a more strained relationship with my mother but as I said: I don't care.
I'm tired of hiding who I am to make my mother happy. I'm tired of accepting all this bullshit from people who know that I'm not Christian still pushing their beliefs on me. To learn from my own fucking mother that the reason she's sad that I have lost my child is because he couldn't be born and saved through baptism so now he's stuck in purgatory and that she now has to add another rosary to her daily prayers for all those in purgatory and for all those in her family that are being turned away from God by Satan. It's all religious bullshit and it's pissing me off so much that it has put a strain on my sanity and my marriage. Hubby and I have been arguing more lately and it's all because I'm so depressed and pissed all the time and then having to deal with my mother all day every day and then have my husband come home from work and make short statements that normally wouldn't even bother me but now have me snapping at him in a complete rage. And not just him but I've snapped at my mother, my sisters, my friends.
My plan was to be out of this apartment quickly. Hubby and I moved in just over two years ago and it was supposed to just be for about 6 months. Well, look at how that turned out. Hubby actually lost two jobs in our first year here which definitely set us back. We tried to save up the money for me to get my drivers' license (as we couldn't afford the class when I was in school it will cost me about $500 to take the class before I can get my license) but then I started to go blind in my right eye. Starting with a squiggly black line in the middle of my vision and spreading to where I could only see out of the top eighth of my right eye and my peripheral vision was completely gone. We decided then to use the money we'd already saved to try and find out what was wrong with my eye. 3 weeks, 5 vision tests, 3 dilated pupils, and a bill for $1500 later I quit. My vision was already starting to return and the bills where going to end up bankrupting us.
Hubby got his current job a little over a year ago and though this job is the best job he's ever had (in his own words) saving money has gotten harder. We pay my parents $33 a week (as he gets paid weekly), he pays his $46 phone bill once a month, we spend a total of $110 a month on cigarettes (both of us get them every other week), then there are normal expenses through out the month. Mainly hubby getting himself something to eat before going to work at 10pm 5 nights a week. Then there's gas, groceries, putting away as much as we can into savings, paying off our credit card sometimes with the bare minimum. So after netting around $1200 a month we end up with around $200 left. It's discouraging to have these unexpected bills come up.
Unexpected as hubby having to have a tooth pulled, losing a father/father-in-law and a child, and many other things. It would help if I could go out and get a real job. As of right now my parents pay me $50 every two weeks for "taking care" of my mother. The reason they started to pay me is because back in April of 2012 my mother stepped on a piece of glass in the kitchen in the middle of the night. We are still to this day unsure where it came from. It got embedded in her big toe and she was screaming in pain. At this time hubby and I were sleeping in the living room on a pull out couch. Due to this I heard her and jumped up to help her out. I pulled out the glass and doctored her up so that she could walk with less difficulty. The following day my parents came to me with $50 and said thank you and that they would continue to pay me the $50 every other week for helping my mother out around the house. I agreed because cool an extra $100 a month couldn't hurt.
Well it doesn't go far. I pay my own $46 phone bill once a month then buying myself extra packs of cigarettes when I need them because I smoke so much more living here with my mother than I did when I lived any where else. The reason being is that my mother has taken "caregiver" to a whole new extreme. I don't just help her into/out of the shower when she needs me. I don't just go grocery shopping for her. I don't just help her clean up certain areas of the house to get the place ready for the monthly inspection. I also bring her food every 4-5 hours. And I mean it it's fucking 4-5 hours. She'll be starving but she'll only eat a child's portion then be hungry soon after and I'm literally running around all day getting her different food, and making and bringing her coffee, switching out her DVDs, etc. etc. etc. I don't feel like a caregiver, I feel like a child again. When I was a kid living with my parents I was in charge of cooking dinner every night, making and serving coffee, doing the household laundry for all five of us once a month, mowing the yard once a week in the summer, etc. etc. etc. Now I'm not bitching about having chores. That's a given as a child. But because I was the eldest child I was tasked with doing damn near every chore there was. My sisters were only tasked with keeping their rooms clean.
Now that I'm an adult trying to make my way in this world with my husband I feel like I'm 13 again being charged with cleaning and cooking everything while everyone else sits on their computers playing, or watching movies, or napping all damned day. It's fucking frustrating and I just can't fucking live like this for the rest of my life. But there are days where I feel like I'll be stuck here forever. That dealing with the stress of my mother will end my marriage, will end my individuality, will end me. If I could get a real job I'd be able to help get us out of her faster but due to me not having a license and the household only having one vehicle I have to search within walking distance. And though I've applied at around 50 places within 30 minutes walking distance none have accepted. I've applied at many of them three and four times now. Each time being told the normal "we're not hiring" "you're under qualified" etc. etc. etc.
Anyway I feel like and in fact I'm sure that I've rambled through this entire post but I'm so exhausted, depressed, pissed off, and stressed that I can't keep my thoughts in line right now. Well, here's hoping things start to get better....
)o( Jena
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Appointments and Plans...
So anyone who's read this far knows I live with my parents. You know that I live with my parents so I can take care of my mother. However, you also know that I hate the fact that after 6 years my husband I do not have a place to call our own. That will hopefully be remedied by the end of the year.
We are looking around at places in our price range and we've found a few that we are contacting to go through the application process. We have our fingers, toes, eyes, and tongues crossed that all goes well. We had planned on being out before Christmas when we found out that we were pregnant and though that pregnancy will never see fruition I refuse to let it stop me from going forth with my plans to find a home for my husband and me. To finally move on with our lives.
As for the appointments I have a WIC appointment Friday morning at 9:30 to recertify as post-partum so that I can continue to be covered for 6 months. Then Monday morning at 9:30 I have a dentist appointment for x-rays of my top two wisdom teeth as they are chipped and causing me slight discomfort. They will probably tell me they can fill or cap them and that I can move on with my life but I'd rather have them pulled. They've been giving me problems since they came in 8 years ago.
My husband and I also decided that we are definately trying again. Not now but in about a month when my cycles start again. Before all of this we weren't actually trying but we weren't preventing it either. Now that I've known the hopefullness and the loving joy of carrying a child in my womb I can't not try for a child that will one day be in my arms.
)o( Jena
We are looking around at places in our price range and we've found a few that we are contacting to go through the application process. We have our fingers, toes, eyes, and tongues crossed that all goes well. We had planned on being out before Christmas when we found out that we were pregnant and though that pregnancy will never see fruition I refuse to let it stop me from going forth with my plans to find a home for my husband and me. To finally move on with our lives.
As for the appointments I have a WIC appointment Friday morning at 9:30 to recertify as post-partum so that I can continue to be covered for 6 months. Then Monday morning at 9:30 I have a dentist appointment for x-rays of my top two wisdom teeth as they are chipped and causing me slight discomfort. They will probably tell me they can fill or cap them and that I can move on with my life but I'd rather have them pulled. They've been giving me problems since they came in 8 years ago.
My husband and I also decided that we are definately trying again. Not now but in about a month when my cycles start again. Before all of this we weren't actually trying but we weren't preventing it either. Now that I've known the hopefullness and the loving joy of carrying a child in my womb I can't not try for a child that will one day be in my arms.
)o( Jena
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Always a Mother... Never a Mommy...
These past few months have been horrible and hectic and wonderful and soul crushing. Where to begin... how about the beginning.
May 16th was my 24th birthday. Oh what a fun day. I went out with my hubby. Had drinks with my friends. All in all a good day. The 20th was our anniversary and the 24th was his birthday and we were making plans for that when we got a phone call at 11:45pm on the night of the 17th. Hubby's father had passed away in his sleep. We rushed to his mothers side to await the coroner. I held my husband and my mother-in-law and hoped that my father-in-law would find his way safely to the Summerlands.
He was cremated soon after and the week after Father's Day we held a small memorial at the church that had been like a second home to my in-laws for the last 4 years.
Then July came. My husband and I have been trying to have a child since we got married in May of 2008 (for those unwilling to do the math that's a couple of months shy of 6 1/2 years). We were finally successful in late June early July. I was feeling nauseous all day and I could barely make myself eat. I decided what the hell and took a pregnancy test. For the first time in 6 years it was positive. I was elated as was the hubby. I took two more over the next couple of days before telling my family and his mother. Needless to say planning started immediately.
We bought a diaper bag, baby book, a picture frame to hold the pictures from the baby's first year in it. We were given some clothes that my nephew has already grown out of. All of this gender neutral of course. Along with our planning for baby was my parents planning for a family reunion in Des Moines, Iowa. They'd leave August the sixth and return the night of August the eleventh. We were going to go with them. Until my first ultrasound came along.
The ultrasound was scheduled for a week before the trip. I was going to have a baby photo to show to my family. Until we found out that they could not find my baby's heartbeat. They tried to reassure me. Telling me the machine was old. That I was only eight weeks and that sometimes they don't find the heartbeat until twelve weeks. But they also scheduled me for another ultrasound Thursday the seventh. This meant we couldn't go with my parents.
I tried to stay upbeat about it. I tried not to worry but I couldn't help it. I'm a worrier. It's who I am. I shared my fears with anyone who would listen and they all agreed that my fears were understandable but that everything would be ok.
I had started to believe them.... until the morning of the sixth rolled around. 2 in the morning I called my hubby and told him to leave work because I had to go to the hospital. I was bleeding. I went to the emergency room and waited and waited and while I was waiting, in excruciating pain, my tiny water broke. The pain was gone but I felt that I was now without a doubt going to lose that which I had tried my whole marriage to create.
Those fears were confirmed when the doctor gave me an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. I passed the baby soon after before going home completely crushed by the events of the last four hours. I went home to find my mother, father, and sister waiting to hear the news. I walked in and simply shaked my head. My mom almost called off the entire trip. I wouldn't take no for an answer. They had planned and paid for this trip since February and I wasn't going to let this stop them.
I forced them out of the door and proceeded to spend the next six days shuttled between my house and my mother-in-law's house as no one wanted me to be alone for a while. At first I was angry. No, more than angry I was furious. I loathed everyone for not letting me take the time to cry and mourn and drink and slip into a depression that was much deserved. But little by little I realized that that's not what I needed to do and these people, my friends, my family, were just trying to remind me of that.
So, there you go. A horrible couple of months with some good things thrown in the mix. The main good thing I will take from this is that after six years of not knowing we now know that I can in fact get pregnant. And that in itself to me is a miracle.
)o( Jena
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Another year older...
So my 24th birthday is fast approaching. 2 days and counting. Am I excited of course. But I'm also terrified. I'm going to be 24, I'll have been married for 6 years. What do I have to show for it? Most people would say, "A loving and thriving marriage through all the hardships." That's nice and all but it's not exactly what I mean.
6 years of marriage and we're still living with my parents. 6 years of marriage and no children. 6 years of marriage and we're only just now really looking at purchasing a car of our own. 6 years of marriage and we are no better off now than we were when we were married.
Sometimes, I'll explain these fears to my mother hoping that she'll just nod and listen but then I realize that I've forgotten this is my mother we're talking about. With her it's all "Give it to God" and "Have faith that you will succeed". Sigh...
I understand that I sometimes sound selfish when I complain about all of the good things happening for my friends that aren't happening for me/us yet. But sometimes you just have to let it out in order to see past the problem. I'd complain to my husband but he knows all of this already and there are days where I can tell he's tired of my bitching. I'd complain to my dad but he's not very good with that sort of thing. I'd complain to my sisters but one is so young she doesn't really understand what I'm going through right now and the other is going through something worse than I could ever dream. The only people left are my friends and my mother.
I sometimes wish that my relationship with my mom was strong like it used to be. But alas we've drifted apart and I know that's due to my choices but those choices will not be changed for anyone. In that I will always be selfish.
Well, I guess that's it. I've found one more place I can complain. Here. Sure whoever is reading this will probably get tired of me complaining about things but I can assure you I don't do it to annoy. I do it to help myself see past what's gone wrong so that I can make it right. I do it so I can survive and thrive. Thanks for "listening", whoever you are.
)o( Jena
6 years of marriage and we're still living with my parents. 6 years of marriage and no children. 6 years of marriage and we're only just now really looking at purchasing a car of our own. 6 years of marriage and we are no better off now than we were when we were married.
Sometimes, I'll explain these fears to my mother hoping that she'll just nod and listen but then I realize that I've forgotten this is my mother we're talking about. With her it's all "Give it to God" and "Have faith that you will succeed". Sigh...
I understand that I sometimes sound selfish when I complain about all of the good things happening for my friends that aren't happening for me/us yet. But sometimes you just have to let it out in order to see past the problem. I'd complain to my husband but he knows all of this already and there are days where I can tell he's tired of my bitching. I'd complain to my dad but he's not very good with that sort of thing. I'd complain to my sisters but one is so young she doesn't really understand what I'm going through right now and the other is going through something worse than I could ever dream. The only people left are my friends and my mother.
I sometimes wish that my relationship with my mom was strong like it used to be. But alas we've drifted apart and I know that's due to my choices but those choices will not be changed for anyone. In that I will always be selfish.
Well, I guess that's it. I've found one more place I can complain. Here. Sure whoever is reading this will probably get tired of me complaining about things but I can assure you I don't do it to annoy. I do it to help myself see past what's gone wrong so that I can make it right. I do it so I can survive and thrive. Thanks for "listening", whoever you are.
)o( Jena
Thursday, March 13, 2014
PBP - Body Modification
"This is a very broad topic, but I'd really like to see what others think. What are your views on body modification? By this I mean any type of surgery or injection to change your appearance, piercings, brandings, tattoos... anything permanent. Do you think it is okay to do so? Or do you think that nature's natural design is best?"
I honestly think there's nothing wrong with body modification. It's a form of expression. It's like telling the world who you are without actually saying anything. But there are some who are quick to judge. They believe that because you could "deface" your body with appearance altering items that you are no good. That you are someone that they don't want in their life at all. I don't believe this obviously. "Never judge a book by it's cover." The saying rings true to this day and will for all eternity to me.
I have piercings and tattoos already but I have many more planned. From oldest to newest I had my ears pierced in the 8th grade (03-04), I had my ears pierced a second time when I was 17, I got my tongue pierced when I was 18.
A few months later I got my first tattoo (my husbands and my names) on the outside of my upper left arm.
Last October I got a breast cancer ribbon tattoo on my inside left wrist.
And this past December I got my wedding date on on the left side of my chest.
That's just what I have now. I plan on getting a third piercing in the cartilage of my ears. I plan on getting my naval pierced. I plan on getting my lip pierced. I plan on getting my nose pierced. I plan on getting a Wiccan pride ribbon on the inside of my right wrist. I plan on getting a pentagram on my outside upper right arm. I plan on getting the word Always on the right side of my chest. I plan on getting a cherry blossom branch down my right side. I plan on getting Belle down my left side. I plan on getting a "goth" and a "regular" Tinkerbell on the outside of each of my calves. I plan on getting a rose wrapping around my right ankle. I plan on getting the rosary my Grandmother made me so many years ago around my left ankle. And there's many more that just aren't coming to mind right now.
So in my opinion body modification is perfectly fine. It's an expression of one's self. Sometimes it's even needed to tell all what you can't bring yourself to say aloud. It's not for everyone but it is a beautiful way to speak to the world.
)o( Jena
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