Day 2 - Insomnia and Overbearing First Time Grandmothers...

So, I'm mad at myself. Last night as I laid down to go to sleep a whole blog popped up in my head. I could almost read it as if I was a follower of my own blog. Then I told myself the biggest lie that everyone tells themselves:

"I don't need to write it down. I'll remember tomorrow."

Well, look how well that worked out...

Onto the Insomnia...

I think I have it. Not 100% sure as I've never been diagnosed with it. I hate doctors. They tell you all kinds of things that just contradict what they previously said or they give you weird diagnoses (yes that's the plural and yes I had to look it up) that, again, just contradict the previous diagnoses. Then there's the doctor's bills, the numerous follow ups, the constant referrals. It's annoying and I don't want to go through with it unless absolutely necessary. But I digress...

I think I have insomnia. Why do I say this? Not because I can't sleep at night but because of how bad I can't sleep at night. It's not every night. No, some nights I get home and as soon as my head hits the pillow I'm out like a light until the sun comes up. Most nights though I just can't sleep. I lay there for hours on end willing myself to sleep and it just won't happen. My body is ready but my mind has decided to give me a play-by-play of my entire day in the slowest possible way.

I've tried everything. Warm milk (made me want to puke and I'm lactose inotlerant so it just had me runnin' to the bathroom), sleeping pills (all different kinds, only one kinda worked but all it did was make me drowsy, it didn't shut my brain up), light exercising, laying in a dark room with my eyes closed, reading until you fall alseep with said book in hand, watching the most boring thing on the planet, etc. etc. etc. All short of having the hubbit knock me out cold every night.

Oh the worst is when I actually manage to fall asleep and then wake up every 2-3 hours for no reason what-so-ever. It's not too hot or cold in the room, hubbit didn't roll over and hit me, I didn't fall off the bed, no loud noise, no light on, nothing. Ugh!

Anyway, moving past that. My mother, Goddess bless her, is taking this first time grandmother thing to new heights. Now keep in mind that she had a stroke 3 years ago (she hasn't fully recovered from it because we found out that she had actually had the stroke 12 full hours before anyone, even her, found out about it) and due to this her emotions are always running on high.

Just the other day her and I were talking about just people. Gay, straight, black, white, just people. She said "People need to learn from their mistakes. There's no use telling someone who's so fixated on doing something not to do that thing. They need to do it and either succeed and be happy or fail and learn from it." There was more said but I can't remember most of it. Then just today she decided that it was time to get angry at my sister because "she's not raising her son properly". He's a day shy of a week old. What raising? He cries, he eats, he poops, he sleeps.

She got mad because she (my sister) wanted to go see her husband's "mom" (a woman that his dad dated for years when he was younger. Though the relationship didn't work out she stayed in his life so he considers her a mom to him). The reason she got mad? Because "He's too young to be going out! He needs to be at home for a good 2-3 weeks before you take him outside!" etc. etc. yadda yadda yadda.

Then she got mad at her because my sister wants to drive her car in 3 weeks. Now she was told by her doctor that she isn't allowed to drive for a couple of weeks until her stomach heals a bit. She's been out of the hospital for a few days now and the doctor said a couple of weeks. She wants to go back to driving a week after the couple of weeks thing. Why did my mom get mad? Because she heard the doctor say 6 weeks. How you get six from a couple I'll never know.

Why do I know she's getting mad at these things? Because I live with her. Yes, I'm 23 years old, been married for 5 years, and I still live with my mother... Not by choice I'll tell you that. But anyway, because I live with her and my sister does not she chooses to come at me with all this shit. Yelling and screaming at me for something that I didn't do. For something I have no control over. For that matter neither does she.

Why not let her learn from her mistakes? Isn't that what she just said the other day? So after going through my normal (and now second-nature) "Mom, don't yell at me I have no control over this" I brought up the fact that she said that people need to learn from their mistakes. She scoffed at me and said "Not my daughter. I made enough mistakes for all 3 of you to learn from." And that was that. She walked away.

I need out of this house. I need some sanity back in my life. I love my mother to death but I just can't live with her! The constant yelling. The constant calling me at all hours of the night and then wondering why I'm so tired the following day. Just all of it is chipping away at my sanity and I feel so sorry for my poor husband because this is the only way he'll ever know his mother-in-law. She was better before the stroke. She really was. He knew her but he'd never spent this much time around her until now. Hell, the reason we moved in with her is because number 1 we had no place to go. Number 2 she needed someone to take care of her during the day when my dad's at work.

I am a momma's girl. I love my mom more than anything. But there are just certain things I can't deal with anymore. But that's another blog for another day...

)o( Jena